Now What?

The one thing I didn't want to happen is now happening. Even by trying to avoid it, it still occurred. This leads me to wonder about the saying that the best said plans still can go awry. And no matter how much planning you do, nothing can stop nature. Thinking that you can is futile, and wishing you can is an exercise in futility. The universe gives you what you want, I believe that 100%. I was nervous about a situation, kinda dreading the situation and now another level has been added. Life is a very surprising adventure.

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In a New York state of mind

Well this time next week I'll be in my source of discomfort. Ready or not, its less than a week away.

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Changes.....

In life the one thing that is certain is change, or so they say. And the only thing we are in control of is how we adapt to that change. Most people do not like change, I myself am a creature of habit. I like doing the just about the same thing the same way whenever I have to do it. If something is working why do I need to do something else? Even if something is not working why do I need to change? You can get used to the ill fated mechanism and you get used to it, being adaptable is one of our greatess characteristics and flaws.

Personally I like to try many different things up front, in this way I find myself looking for change, seeking out change, accepting changes as they occur. Then once I have something set, my willingness to change diminishes greatly. In my mind I've already tried out the new, found what works best and hence there is nothing needed to change.

But can the "new" way that works become outdated and inefficient? Sure. And that is where the resistance to change is really determined. Once the ego is set aside, is the change that is occuring really a new way? For instance there is no greater invention than the wheel. And people always say when wanting to save steps that there is no need to recreate the wheel. So then why are there options, with each claiming to be better than the other wheel? Easily stated something is always changing. And in the end it is up to each person individually to chose what is best, i.e. what is the best change for them.

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I have too many pills in my system.

As stated previously I have too many pills in my system right now. Not bad pills, I'm not that kind of girl. But this morning I took my bc pill, for obvious reasons. I took a few pills for the headache I had all last night into the morning and then I took half a diet pill. You know I wanted to lose weight for my trip and well its right here. Eleven days and I will be somewhere else, doing someone else and now I'm reality starting to wonder why I'm even going.

It seemed like a good reason at first but now, I'm just not sure. I really don't want to go, but then that us me and how I do things. The closer things get, the more all I want to do is nothing. I do not like being out of my comfort zone at all, and this trip is seriously out of my comfort zone. I'll be facing so many elements that I feel like I'm on overload.
Trust
Dependance
Not having a plan...the unknown
Performance anxiety
Worry (so much falls under this one word).

Overall even though I don't want to go, I'm going. I have to learn how to go out and face my fears, and in doing so it will help shape me as a person. I wonder if there is a pill for that?

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I'm worth how much?

I never wanted to have to downplay how good I am or undervalue myself so that someone else can feel important. But I have done just that. From that situation I have learned one real lesson and it has become my new personal motto: Never let someone else diminish your shine.

If going into a situation for untrue purposes, you can sometimes dull your shine to the point where you will start to believe that your value has diminished. Then once you truly display the full measure of your being it can cause conflict and anxiety with those who once thought themselves more valuable than you.

They will find ways to try and pull you down to their level or below just so that they can try to continue to feel superior. This is an easy situation to fall into, letting others determine your self worth, if you don't first put your own value on yourself. I know I'm good. At what? Everything. Okay not everything, but for the most part I'm a pretty smart, highly educated self sufficient woman who has settled into a comfortable life.

I don't feel the need to brag on my accomplishments consistently, "Hello I have two degrees, it's do nice to meet you." I simply give my first name when I'm introduced, I'll let whomever form the opinion of me they want. For the most part I don't care about what anyone thinks if me, and that right there is why I'm not perfect. I lack social skills, but knowing your weaknesses and choosing not to change is not the same as being ignorant of what you are lacking.

From recent events that have occurred in my life me and only me will be determining my self worth. Caution I have a mouth and an opinion and from now on I will be using them.

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A person of my word

Today I went out like I said I would. I am doing what I set out to do which is very important. Doing what you say you are going to do. I think that is important to any one and every relationship. I went through a phase where I'd say I was going to do something and not follow through, and that is not part of my character. I'm back to being a woman of my word and I'm happy. Did I want to go out? No. But I did and I got to experience something new. What I want in my life now is someone who will pull me up when I'm down, not drag me down. Also I want consistantcy. And most importantly a person who does what they say they are going to do.

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When to say when

I'm at an age where drama is no longer important. Where taking up for my friends and letting others influence me is at an end. I have to do what is best for me above all else. All I can say is I'm glad I finally realized this.

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It's no bother

Have you ever had one of those days where you just wanted to be left alone? I feel or have felt that way most of my life. And I feel that way now. I have neglected my blog and I feel some kind of way right now. I'm sick of people making their problems my problems, and I'm sick of how I'm allowing these issues to create self doubt. I feel like everytime I am on the cusps of doing something good, there is this obvioitory holding me back. But this time I refuse to let it hold me back, I'm moving forward for me. I need to focus on myself and that's it. No outside forces will sidestep my focus. Here's to moving onward and upward and not letting anyone hold me back.

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You read me, you really read me.

Wow, I have a person out there who I don't know that actually read my blog, yes my blog. And then that person put my blog in her blog telling other people to read it. The feeling I felt is beyond measures. I was excited and proud and above all else I was wowed. It truly felt great, I wanted to sing it to everyone and post it up on face book letting all my "friends" know that what I wrote was viewed by someone else. But I didn't, I decided to keep the warmness for myself.

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Early Mornings

Good morning people!!!!! I have a lot to do today and of course I don't want to do anything. I'm such a lazy bum on the we weekend. Okay I just lied I'm a lazy bum all the time but what can I say? I live my home, I live my uverse, and I live my couch. I call it the perfect tri fecta. But today I'm breaking out if my comfort zone. Wish me well.

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How I met your mother?

I actually took this picture at 2 a.m. I think all things considering I look pretty damn good. I was asleep but I received a text message about an hour ago. Then to top it off the white castle I had earlier is not agreeing with me leaving me in this state of being wide awake. What better time than this to update my blog?

I recently started watching the show How I Met Your Mother. Very funny show and the gist is a father telling his kids how he met their mother and the wild stuff that happened song the way. Now although I don't have kids and if I did I'd be the "mother" I relate to another character. That of perpetually single player of the group Barney.

Barney is a playa from the himalayas and he's at a crossroads in his life. He finds a girl that he is willing to break the rules for, things he NEVER saw himself doing he now longs for. Yet he still has the playa image in his head of how he should be, so much so, that he can't let himself be happy with the one person who could make him happy. That is me in a nutshell. I pick the wrong men for seemingly the right reasons. I see myself one way, and happily married with kids being a conformist is not the vision I have for myself.

I would rather date a homeless crack head than take a chance on finding someone that could make me happy. In fact the moment I get involved with someone who is nice and genuinely cares about me, my alter ego whom I'll call the saboteur comes out. She will hunt and find any little thing she can to stop me from forming a true meaningful bond. And I must say that Sabby is always hard on her grind. She throws up roads blocks as soon as a nice guy even looks at me. That chick will not let a hard working legally employed man enter into my realm if consciousness. But the broken beat down I rode on the short bus to school crack head gets a free pass everytime.

Why? Because she knows it won't last and ultimately its my fault because that is what I set up for myself. Sabby is just doing her job, and like myself she is good at what she does. The question that needs to be raised is, is Sabby really needed or can she finally be retired?

And honestly I can say that her time has come to an end. I have a new job for her. This one I'm sure she'll enjoy. She is now on team block the crackheads, illiterate, jobless, locked up and simply no good men from my sight. I'm positive that she will do as fine a job in her new upgraded position as she did in her old one. I'm sure she'll enjoy the perks, among which is happiness.

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Decisions

Oh what a tangled web we or should I say I have weaved my goal was not to deceive. I am at a cross roads. I stated I wanted a relationship and here I am being prepared for one. Ask and you shall receive right? I just don't know.

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You need Jesus

I love this shirt. Its not my shirt, well its my shirt now but it came from my Jamaican and I love wearing it. When I first received it I wore it all the time, but now Im down to once evey two weeks. So the trip is coming up and even though its been pushed back a week Im more excited about it now than I was before. Nothing else has really changed but I just feel better about it now. Another thing Im starting to feel different about is my relationship status. Im starting to feel that I do want a relationship. Once I get back from my trip Im going to actively start pursuing a relationship. I am also going to start doing more things. Im going to start having outtings on Saturdays. I plan on getting up and going out, Im becoming a hermit and I dont like it one bit. I cant be scared to go out like I am currently. So every Saturday Im going to go grocery shopping and window shopping. I need to get out amoungst the people plus getting out there will aid in my quest for my new relationship.......come on Samantha lets ride

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In the news

I now watch the news, something I've never done in my adult life. I found that watching the news was depressing and not worth of my time. Ironically now the news plays an important part of what could be my economic future. It is now very crucial that I'm aware of what is going on. Awareness is very important. I woke up happy this morning, courtesy of my jamaican. the trip I was planing has been postponed but I can't wait to see him. Traveling for sex.......well I could travel for worse.

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Sexting, texting, and nexting oh my

The recent trend of sending nude or semi nude pics is not a new thing.I myself have sent a few tittie shots among other things myself. But when not done for the right reasons it can be the cause of a life time of embarassment. I had many a dicks sent to me, even now I have two different ones saved on my phone lol, the life of a single woman.

I can't seem to make a decision right now. I want to go to ny, but I want to know that I'm welcome. This has been the most confusing time in my life.

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Well?

Fresh out the shower, hair done, nails done, you fancy huh? To me that is a very stupid comment. Personal upkeep is not being fancy, its called being normal. Women and men should want to keep up their personal appearance. I am a woman who truly appreciates a well groomed man. A man who is nicely kept and well maintenance is the difference between getting oral or not. Too hairy and you get NOTHING!!!!

I'm not in anyway suggesting that grown men and women go around looking like little kids but, a well groomed man is a turn on. A woman shouldn't have to worry about getting a hair in her teeth as she is performing oral sex. The sound I absolutely hate after a man pleasures me is the awful hacking sound of a hair caught in his throat. Fancy? No. Needed? Yes.

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Doing what I want to do

I am a person who will always do what I want to do. I see the consequences and based on the potential pros and cons I make my decision accordingly. I can live with the outcome because I made the choice to do whatever it was I was going to do. Long ago I let someone talk me out of doing what I really wanted to do and I have been off track since, simply making my current situation liveable but not fulling living and enjoying what I wanted to do. I went to Coastal to become a Marine Biologist. I wanted to work with Killer Whales. Well Coastal did not have a program in Marine Biology, their program was Marine Science. On the surface you think same difference right? Wrong, huge difference. After a semester learing about rocks I was done. I went to talk to my guidance counselor who stated "If you only wanted to play with the fishes you're in the wrong field." That same day I changed my major and I've just been existing since. Funny thing about that statement, Killer Whales are not fishes, they just happen to be mammals. Now here I am 12 years later with not one but two business degrees and I'm not passionate about what I do. Don't get me wrong I excel at what I do, but mathematical word problems and inputting information onto a spreadsheet is not the career path I had growing up. So I changed, I decided that no matter what in any situation if I want to do it my way.....I'm going to. Don't fuck that guy....yep you got it if I want to I'm going to. You have to it like this.....well if I don't want to go that way or follow the rules that someone else set up, I'm not going to do it their way. I want to be in control of my happiness, and if I do something that does not make me happy I can better accept it because as an adult I can take accountabilty for my actions. Good or bad only I will dictate what I am going to do.

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Sweet Tea

I drink tea almost every day. On most days I drink mote than one glass of tea and more than one kind of tea. Yes I love it that much. Things with me are not getting better, they are also bot getting any worse. Things are really about maintaining a status quo. My current quo though leaves much to be desired. I'm sick of taking lifestyle blessings for granted. Because once they ate not in your favor all you want is to get them back, which is where I am. Desperately in need of getting lifes blessings back. My wants are simple. My needs are being met. Is it wrong of me to want more? Sometimes it feels that way.

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