Black is the new blond.

I wish I took better pictures. I consider myself a very pretty girl, but photogenic I am not. I have to try and find my best light, and my smile could use some work and the camera adds a huge amount if weight. My current hair color is black, I can't think of a time as an adult that my hair color has ever been black. Dark reddish brown, yes but jet black.....no. I must say it gives me a truly different look, and my hair looks really healthy and strong. I look in the mirror and I feel good. But when I take a picture, I look very blah. Good thing I live in real life and not in pictures :-).

Today I feel a lot if different emotions. Anxious, nervous, unsettled, and very high with energy. Which is strange because I woke up about 2 am and stayed up for hours. Thinking and wondering and wishing. I Googled locations and flights and thought of gifts and family issues and wrote more of my novel and finally forced myself to sleep.

When you know what you want without any doubt, waiting for it to come about is like dying a slow death each moment between what is and what should be. I have never been more commited to a person, place or thing, excluding Samantha in my life and his presence makes me happy.

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you

Whenever I hear about famous people who once had a different career they always say that they gave themselves a period of time to make it before they gave up on their dreams. I'm going to do this for myself. I want to live in New York. I'm not sure when I'm going to get there but I know it will be soon. I'm giving myself a year. In that year I'm going to continue to work at moving up. But I'm also going to write, not one but two books. I also promise to do a better job maintaining my blog. A lot can happen in a year. You could meet someone fall in love get married and then get divorced all in the course of 365 days. In these next 365 I plan on making my dreams come true.

It's been awhile

Wow, its been a minute since I've documented my life, and a lot has changed. First off my obsession is on vacation. So whether I wanted a break or not I got one. I believe for the most part it is good, I know I was driving him crazy with my constant doubt-ty-ness so he deserves a well earned break from the madness which can be me.

My car was away from me for over a week and during that time all it seemed to do was rain, and rain, and then rain some more. But now there is nothing but blue skies and warm weather.

For a minute I actually thought about moving out of my place and into an apartment with another person. But thank God she ran her mouth, she ran it soo much I realized that I could never live with her no matter how desperate I was. She is the kinda person who always has to have an opinion, and its always the opposite of yours. You know the kind who thinks they know everything. Everything? EVERYTHANG!!!! After a while it gets annoying and borders on stupidity. One thing it taught me is to live my life on my terms.

So what if I talk about NY and have sex with someone else. Sex and feelings are not one in the same. Telling me that I don't have what I do have and that I'll never have my happily ever after. Wrong move. I live in a world where a regular girl, married a Prince and will one day become Queen. If that can happen to her, I can surely live my version of that.

In fact I believe to some extent it did happen, our of all the girls he could of chosen, he picked me!!!! Who says fairy tales don't come true?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Positivity

It is easy to be positive when things are going your easy. Seriously what is there to complain about when everything is going your way. In times where life hands you something other than rainbows it's still a time to look on the bright side. Things can always be worse, look around your temporary situation is someone elses full time situation. What you may not have at the moment someone else may never even possess. When things are not going my way, usually do to my own fault, I simply look around and say thanks for all I do have and for all I have accomplished. I have acheivements most people will never reach. I strongly believe we are put in situations to help us move forward and to grow. Knowing what we need to work on and actually working on those issues two totally different things. Having to work on those issues is what makes us better more understanding, compassionate people. Even though I am currently in a less than desirable situation. I still offer thanks.....and in a month where there have been more wet days than dry, I am currently thankful I made it home dry :-)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

The place to be

I'm in a very good place right now. Yep I truly enjoy this space right here. I feel like I have options. Isn't that what we all want. To have the option to do something different, even if we dont go after it, just knowing that the option is out there makes us feel better. Right now I have a lot of options, some are purely self driven and some are dericive on other people but in the end I have options. I feel that we as people feel the most alive and valued when we know that others see us as something worth possessing. That doesn't mean we have to strongly value what others think or feel, but it does mean that no matter how highly we may think of ourselves, without the value given from the outside there is no true form of measurement. My self motto is: Practically Perfect in Every Way... not only do I believe it, but my actions show others that this is the measure I hold myself to. But if I showed a lack of concern or showed that I did not strive for excellence, my motto would be null in void. Others would not see the motto and equate it with me. However right now I'm happy and enjoying this place for me.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Bright Sunshiny Day

Today has been the most amazing day. Why you ask? Well for starters I'm just happy, I feel like no matter the issue everything is going to work out. And trust me there are issues. Then theres the man situation. Things are still going good. I'm learning to live in the moment. Finally, after six long months of not being on probation I'm finally off. Not only am I off but next Tuesday I have an interview. How quick is that and how wonderful is that? First time out the box and boom goes the dynamite!!!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Back from blond

Okay a week ago I was blond, and now my hair is black. Last week I was unsure about my status with my Jamaican and now things are better than before. On Sunday I had a breakdown, a complete and utter breakdown. Then I turned it over to God. I asked for help, to stop obsessing over what I have no real power over. That I'd be okay if things didn't work out. The next day it all worked out better than I even imagined. In life you sometimes have to turn yourself over to a greater power. In no way should it be seen as a weakness, but as a strength.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

The sweetness of doing nothing

Dolce far niente= The sweetness of doing nothing. This is an Italian way of life. This is my way of life. I do have the art of nothingness down to a science. I put myself out there today, and I'm feeling nervous and anxious. The question that needs to be asked is, is it better to put it all out there and have concrete answers or is it better to pretend and not say what is really going on? Right now I just don't know.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.

I believe you can will things to happen to you. That if you truly believe in something and know that it will happen, it will happen. I now have a clarity that I lacked before. I found a fit, a place to be and now I just have to work towards that goal. I see it happening, and I know it will happen. This picture is my board, and it looks blank, but what it is is me having a wide open future.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Back to blond

I'm not sure if I like my new hair color or not, but I have it now and its gonna work!!! I'm so confused looking for answers I'm not sure will come or if the answers given will be the answer I want to hear. If I had to choose I'd pick the knowing. Because this not knowing is driving me crazy. So I made an attempt to get an answer, if I don't get one then I still have options, but let's just see what happens.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Maybe Not

Well this will be short. I must say that life is what you make it, you are in control of your own good time. I recently thought that I was going to have a not so good time and it wound up being the exact opposite. Did everything work our perfectly? No, no and again no. But its all about the reactions to those things that are important and determine how you'll feel in that situation. I went in thinking that once I left things would be drastically different, that I had to change everything. And then someone pointed our to me, things don't have to change, if I want them to continue they can. I decided that I want them to, and I hope its not a unilateral feeling.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Over NYC

The trip that I talked about for what seems like month has now come and gone and I'm left with mixed emotions. Sadness, thoughts of what could have been but are now realities and it makes me sad. I don't want nor wish to start crying again so with this I'm happy to be going home.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Now What?

The one thing I didn't want to happen is now happening. Even by trying to avoid it, it still occurred. This leads me to wonder about the saying that the best said plans still can go awry. And no matter how much planning you do, nothing can stop nature. Thinking that you can is futile, and wishing you can is an exercise in futility. The universe gives you what you want, I believe that 100%. I was nervous about a situation, kinda dreading the situation and now another level has been added. Life is a very surprising adventure.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

In a New York state of mind

Well this time next week I'll be in my source of discomfort. Ready or not, its less than a week away.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Changes.....

In life the one thing that is certain is change, or so they say. And the only thing we are in control of is how we adapt to that change. Most people do not like change, I myself am a creature of habit. I like doing the just about the same thing the same way whenever I have to do it. If something is working why do I need to do something else? Even if something is not working why do I need to change? You can get used to the ill fated mechanism and you get used to it, being adaptable is one of our greatess characteristics and flaws.

Personally I like to try many different things up front, in this way I find myself looking for change, seeking out change, accepting changes as they occur. Then once I have something set, my willingness to change diminishes greatly. In my mind I've already tried out the new, found what works best and hence there is nothing needed to change.

But can the "new" way that works become outdated and inefficient? Sure. And that is where the resistance to change is really determined. Once the ego is set aside, is the change that is occuring really a new way? For instance there is no greater invention than the wheel. And people always say when wanting to save steps that there is no need to recreate the wheel. So then why are there options, with each claiming to be better than the other wheel? Easily stated something is always changing. And in the end it is up to each person individually to chose what is best, i.e. what is the best change for them.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

I have too many pills in my system.

As stated previously I have too many pills in my system right now. Not bad pills, I'm not that kind of girl. But this morning I took my bc pill, for obvious reasons. I took a few pills for the headache I had all last night into the morning and then I took half a diet pill. You know I wanted to lose weight for my trip and well its right here. Eleven days and I will be somewhere else, doing someone else and now I'm reality starting to wonder why I'm even going.

It seemed like a good reason at first but now, I'm just not sure. I really don't want to go, but then that us me and how I do things. The closer things get, the more all I want to do is nothing. I do not like being out of my comfort zone at all, and this trip is seriously out of my comfort zone. I'll be facing so many elements that I feel like I'm on overload.
Trust
Dependance
Not having a plan...the unknown
Performance anxiety
Worry (so much falls under this one word).

Overall even though I don't want to go, I'm going. I have to learn how to go out and face my fears, and in doing so it will help shape me as a person. I wonder if there is a pill for that?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

I'm worth how much?

I never wanted to have to downplay how good I am or undervalue myself so that someone else can feel important. But I have done just that. From that situation I have learned one real lesson and it has become my new personal motto: Never let someone else diminish your shine.

If going into a situation for untrue purposes, you can sometimes dull your shine to the point where you will start to believe that your value has diminished. Then once you truly display the full measure of your being it can cause conflict and anxiety with those who once thought themselves more valuable than you.

They will find ways to try and pull you down to their level or below just so that they can try to continue to feel superior. This is an easy situation to fall into, letting others determine your self worth, if you don't first put your own value on yourself. I know I'm good. At what? Everything. Okay not everything, but for the most part I'm a pretty smart, highly educated self sufficient woman who has settled into a comfortable life.

I don't feel the need to brag on my accomplishments consistently, "Hello I have two degrees, it's do nice to meet you." I simply give my first name when I'm introduced, I'll let whomever form the opinion of me they want. For the most part I don't care about what anyone thinks if me, and that right there is why I'm not perfect. I lack social skills, but knowing your weaknesses and choosing not to change is not the same as being ignorant of what you are lacking.

From recent events that have occurred in my life me and only me will be determining my self worth. Caution I have a mouth and an opinion and from now on I will be using them.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

A person of my word

Today I went out like I said I would. I am doing what I set out to do which is very important. Doing what you say you are going to do. I think that is important to any one and every relationship. I went through a phase where I'd say I was going to do something and not follow through, and that is not part of my character. I'm back to being a woman of my word and I'm happy. Did I want to go out? No. But I did and I got to experience something new. What I want in my life now is someone who will pull me up when I'm down, not drag me down. Also I want consistantcy. And most importantly a person who does what they say they are going to do.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

When to say when

I'm at an age where drama is no longer important. Where taking up for my friends and letting others influence me is at an end. I have to do what is best for me above all else. All I can say is I'm glad I finally realized this.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

It's no bother

Have you ever had one of those days where you just wanted to be left alone? I feel or have felt that way most of my life. And I feel that way now. I have neglected my blog and I feel some kind of way right now. I'm sick of people making their problems my problems, and I'm sick of how I'm allowing these issues to create self doubt. I feel like everytime I am on the cusps of doing something good, there is this obvioitory holding me back. But this time I refuse to let it hold me back, I'm moving forward for me. I need to focus on myself and that's it. No outside forces will sidestep my focus. Here's to moving onward and upward and not letting anyone hold me back.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

You read me, you really read me.

Wow, I have a person out there who I don't know that actually read my blog, yes my blog. And then that person put my blog in her blog telling other people to read it. The feeling I felt is beyond measures. I was excited and proud and above all else I was wowed. It truly felt great, I wanted to sing it to everyone and post it up on face book letting all my "friends" know that what I wrote was viewed by someone else. But I didn't, I decided to keep the warmness for myself.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Early Mornings

Good morning people!!!!! I have a lot to do today and of course I don't want to do anything. I'm such a lazy bum on the we weekend. Okay I just lied I'm a lazy bum all the time but what can I say? I live my home, I live my uverse, and I live my couch. I call it the perfect tri fecta. But today I'm breaking out if my comfort zone. Wish me well.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

How I met your mother?

I actually took this picture at 2 a.m. I think all things considering I look pretty damn good. I was asleep but I received a text message about an hour ago. Then to top it off the white castle I had earlier is not agreeing with me leaving me in this state of being wide awake. What better time than this to update my blog?

I recently started watching the show How I Met Your Mother. Very funny show and the gist is a father telling his kids how he met their mother and the wild stuff that happened song the way. Now although I don't have kids and if I did I'd be the "mother" I relate to another character. That of perpetually single player of the group Barney.

Barney is a playa from the himalayas and he's at a crossroads in his life. He finds a girl that he is willing to break the rules for, things he NEVER saw himself doing he now longs for. Yet he still has the playa image in his head of how he should be, so much so, that he can't let himself be happy with the one person who could make him happy. That is me in a nutshell. I pick the wrong men for seemingly the right reasons. I see myself one way, and happily married with kids being a conformist is not the vision I have for myself.

I would rather date a homeless crack head than take a chance on finding someone that could make me happy. In fact the moment I get involved with someone who is nice and genuinely cares about me, my alter ego whom I'll call the saboteur comes out. She will hunt and find any little thing she can to stop me from forming a true meaningful bond. And I must say that Sabby is always hard on her grind. She throws up roads blocks as soon as a nice guy even looks at me. That chick will not let a hard working legally employed man enter into my realm if consciousness. But the broken beat down I rode on the short bus to school crack head gets a free pass everytime.

Why? Because she knows it won't last and ultimately its my fault because that is what I set up for myself. Sabby is just doing her job, and like myself she is good at what she does. The question that needs to be raised is, is Sabby really needed or can she finally be retired?

And honestly I can say that her time has come to an end. I have a new job for her. This one I'm sure she'll enjoy. She is now on team block the crackheads, illiterate, jobless, locked up and simply no good men from my sight. I'm positive that she will do as fine a job in her new upgraded position as she did in her old one. I'm sure she'll enjoy the perks, among which is happiness.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Decisions

Oh what a tangled web we or should I say I have weaved my goal was not to deceive. I am at a cross roads. I stated I wanted a relationship and here I am being prepared for one. Ask and you shall receive right? I just don't know.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

You need Jesus

I love this shirt. Its not my shirt, well its my shirt now but it came from my Jamaican and I love wearing it. When I first received it I wore it all the time, but now Im down to once evey two weeks. So the trip is coming up and even though its been pushed back a week Im more excited about it now than I was before. Nothing else has really changed but I just feel better about it now. Another thing Im starting to feel different about is my relationship status. Im starting to feel that I do want a relationship. Once I get back from my trip Im going to actively start pursuing a relationship. I am also going to start doing more things. Im going to start having outtings on Saturdays. I plan on getting up and going out, Im becoming a hermit and I dont like it one bit. I cant be scared to go out like I am currently. So every Saturday Im going to go grocery shopping and window shopping. I need to get out amoungst the people plus getting out there will aid in my quest for my new relationship.......come on Samantha lets ride

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

In the news

I now watch the news, something I've never done in my adult life. I found that watching the news was depressing and not worth of my time. Ironically now the news plays an important part of what could be my economic future. It is now very crucial that I'm aware of what is going on. Awareness is very important. I woke up happy this morning, courtesy of my jamaican. the trip I was planing has been postponed but I can't wait to see him. Traveling for sex.......well I could travel for worse.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Sexting, texting, and nexting oh my

The recent trend of sending nude or semi nude pics is not a new thing.I myself have sent a few tittie shots among other things myself. But when not done for the right reasons it can be the cause of a life time of embarassment. I had many a dicks sent to me, even now I have two different ones saved on my phone lol, the life of a single woman.

I can't seem to make a decision right now. I want to go to ny, but I want to know that I'm welcome. This has been the most confusing time in my life.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Well?

Fresh out the shower, hair done, nails done, you fancy huh? To me that is a very stupid comment. Personal upkeep is not being fancy, its called being normal. Women and men should want to keep up their personal appearance. I am a woman who truly appreciates a well groomed man. A man who is nicely kept and well maintenance is the difference between getting oral or not. Too hairy and you get NOTHING!!!!

I'm not in anyway suggesting that grown men and women go around looking like little kids but, a well groomed man is a turn on. A woman shouldn't have to worry about getting a hair in her teeth as she is performing oral sex. The sound I absolutely hate after a man pleasures me is the awful hacking sound of a hair caught in his throat. Fancy? No. Needed? Yes.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Doing what I want to do

I am a person who will always do what I want to do. I see the consequences and based on the potential pros and cons I make my decision accordingly. I can live with the outcome because I made the choice to do whatever it was I was going to do. Long ago I let someone talk me out of doing what I really wanted to do and I have been off track since, simply making my current situation liveable but not fulling living and enjoying what I wanted to do. I went to Coastal to become a Marine Biologist. I wanted to work with Killer Whales. Well Coastal did not have a program in Marine Biology, their program was Marine Science. On the surface you think same difference right? Wrong, huge difference. After a semester learing about rocks I was done. I went to talk to my guidance counselor who stated "If you only wanted to play with the fishes you're in the wrong field." That same day I changed my major and I've just been existing since. Funny thing about that statement, Killer Whales are not fishes, they just happen to be mammals. Now here I am 12 years later with not one but two business degrees and I'm not passionate about what I do. Don't get me wrong I excel at what I do, but mathematical word problems and inputting information onto a spreadsheet is not the career path I had growing up. So I changed, I decided that no matter what in any situation if I want to do it my way.....I'm going to. Don't fuck that guy....yep you got it if I want to I'm going to. You have to it like this.....well if I don't want to go that way or follow the rules that someone else set up, I'm not going to do it their way. I want to be in control of my happiness, and if I do something that does not make me happy I can better accept it because as an adult I can take accountabilty for my actions. Good or bad only I will dictate what I am going to do.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Sweet Tea

I drink tea almost every day. On most days I drink mote than one glass of tea and more than one kind of tea. Yes I love it that much. Things with me are not getting better, they are also bot getting any worse. Things are really about maintaining a status quo. My current quo though leaves much to be desired. I'm sick of taking lifestyle blessings for granted. Because once they ate not in your favor all you want is to get them back, which is where I am. Desperately in need of getting lifes blessings back. My wants are simple. My needs are being met. Is it wrong of me to want more? Sometimes it feels that way.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Polar Opposite

Polar opposites, that is how I would describe myself. I can either be on or off. I either like you or I don't. You either get me or you don't. With me there is no in-between. I can be totally obsessed over something to the point that it consumes my every thought, then I can switch and have absolutely no feelings whatsoever for the thing that used to consume me. If I like a song or a show I can listen to or watch it over and over,repeatedly nonstop. Then once I've reached my limit, I'm cool no need to see or hear it again. When I'm in it, I'm in it and when I'm done, I'm done.

I have this way of knowing that things will always be alright, yet I worry about everything. Everything? Everything!!! Right now I'm worried about money, my job, my Jamaican and lots of other things. But in actuality everything is all good and I know this. I want much success, but I'm scared to try. I want long hair yet I want it cut off. The in-between thing just isn't for me. Highly complex, yet very simple. That is how I would describe wrytagirl....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

My favorite position

This is my favorite position. Laying on the couch watching tv resting and enjoying my morning, afternoon or evening. Yesterday I was supposed to do three things. I wound up doing only one of those things and I tried to get out of that but in the end I went. I must admit that I was very apprehensive about going, I had worked up the event in my head to be something it wasn't. I thought how strange to be invited to an event by someone I haven't seen in ages. Don't get me wrong I was extremely excited to be invited but as the day approached I started becoming more and more nervous. I was half dressed then I just stopped. But then I got a phone call reassuring me that it would be okay, and guess what? It was. In fact it was totally awesome, I had a really good time. And even though I just wanted to be chilling out on the couch I can honestly day I'm glad I moved from my position and into a wonderful place.

I plan on taking this new found motivation and applying it to all my lifestyle situation. I have to learn to get up from my comfy place and go out and face new situations. The outcome of the situation is based on my attitude, and if I go in thinking everything will be okay, it'll probably be better than that.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Moving Day

Not my moving day but I am assisting my bff move from one place to another. Not really the Friday night I had planned but then I really didn't have any plans. I'm on a mancation right now, none of the men I've come across are worthy of my time or attention. I just don't want to put in the effort to really be in a relationship right now. Therefore I am on a mancation. Thank goodness I got my girls!!!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Declaration of Independence

Look at the color or my hair. It's lovely right? I like it as well. But the shape is the hair is not my favorite. I think it reminds me of a blob. I want to chop it off, cut it into a cute style. This is the most hair I've had on my head in years and I really don't like how I look with longer hair. I don't know if I need to let it get longer or if I just need to go ahead and who it off ala Halle Berry. I don't know, but on the bright side at least now I have options. Life is all about options. I also think that sometimes life gives you too many options. And when I have too many options my head starts to spend and I make myself crazy. I've been on edge all week. Wondering about one particular thing, over and over. Then something new popped intoy conscience and that was helpful because it took my mind off of the one thing but then it was consumed by the other thought and I can doing nothing about any of it. I'm really starting to doubt everything. Everything? Everything!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

looking at me looking at me

See that girl above? Stay far away from her. At her best she's crazy at her worst she highly neurotic. She'll drive you out of your mind, that why its hard for you to find, you can't get het out of your head, miss her kiss her that girl is poison....She wants what she wants and once she gets it, she no longer wants it. She is finding herself not engaging with real people but chasing over men who aren't accessible. She's scared to make a serious relationship work afraid of rejevtio so she takes these crazy fly by night nothing relationships. Ok take a risk, put yourself out there wrytagirl. Do something unexpected.... And that's what I'm about to do.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

My mind is playing tricks on me

I am slowly going insane. I a literally driving myself crazy with my impulsive thoughts. I'm worried about my trip, I'm upset an ex is involved with a new person and I'm worried about senate bill 5. I had to check myself yesterday. I no longer want that dude, I don't like anything about him, yet when I saw him with another girl.....I was offended and hurt. But I had to remember that I didn't like him and that I didn't want to be with him. Ugh!!! I don't understand myself sometimes. I can take the simplest things and beat them into the craziness.How many times can I get the answer I want to hear? Apparantely not enough. And I just don't know why I'm so unsure and afraid to speak up or make an effort or anything at all. Okay enough I'm going to stop obsessing about everything and try and do something different. Heres to trying....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

My so called perfection

She really hates having her picture taken. Yet another way we have so much in common. I can talk to her about anything and I can honestly attribute my being alive now because of her existence. Samantha canes into my life at a time when I needed to feel needed and loved. Even though I was surrounded by people I still felt alone and lonely. Bringing Samantha into my life was the best thing I've ever done. She has shown me unconditional love from the very moment I held her in my hand. Seeing her puts a smile on my face and I feel blessed to have her to come home to. We have gone through so much together, and I do feel as if there is a bond that we share. She is as close to me as my own skin. Yes there are times I'm irritated by here or just want to spend time alone but then I have to remember that she only wants to spend time with me. The excitement she feels is because I'm back home with her or because she is going somewhere with me. All she wants is to be with me, now how can I get mad at that? Unconditional love, that is what we share and I'm glad I have her in my life.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

One Happy Girl

Oh I'm one happy girl today! I wanted an answer and I got an answer, what more could a girl ask for. I've had a lot of doubts lately and those doubts have been cleared up. In life you have to make decisions. You have to look at what is out there and decide what you want to do. Most times I've always make the safe decision, I don't want to put myself out there and risk what I have. But sometimes you really just have to put yourself out there and you just have to see what happens. I have a hard time saying things, its easier to just not and move on. A friend told me the other day that I had to ask questions, she even gave me helpful things to say. I took part of the advice at first, and I didn't get all the answers I needed. Truth is I was scared to ask because I didn't want to find out that what I thought wasn't true. Better yet I have a hard time believing what people say anyways so I go overboard pushing for more answers. This time I'm choosing to believe what was said and as such I'm one happy girl.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Now What???

I've been on a diet for four days. I have crazy extra energy and no appetite. Goody!!! I want to look better and feel better and of course I want an easy fix so I'm back on diet pills. I'm on a wonderful combination of uppers and downers or as I call it my Marilyn Monroe concoction. I also say that when I combine the downers with alcohol. I see why people do drugs, I just couldn't see myself doing illegal drugs. Trying to go our and find a person who has what you need, usually not in the best parts of town. I like my controlled substances much better.

I'm unsure about my upcoming trip. I'm starting to wonder why I'm even going. Why am I going to visit a person I don't even talk to? We send pictures and quick emails but nothing of substance. I find myself not really talking about anything important with him because I don't want to offend him. I'm feeling really crazy right now.

But then that's nothing new.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

NO SB5

I had my red on today, as a show of solidarity. Right now the lovely governor of Ohio, the head of the state workers is trying to systematically destroy state government. Agency by agency, moving state workers out for lower paid private employees. He is neglecting to see the value purpose state workers offer. I'm a proud state worker, several years ago I made the decision to leave the private world to become a civil servant. Now my rights and the rights of my coworkers is being threatened. I see myself as a very non political person I did vote for the other person though and now I feel that I have to rise to the occasion to voice a wrong that needs to be made right.

From the start of his campaign he's stated that he wanted to dismantle state agencies, make them private so that he can produce the same work, with cheaper people. And not even a month into office that is exactly what he is doing. He won the election by two percent, but even so two percent is still a win. But I believe the win was less for him, and more so a vote against his opponent.

With so many things to be worried about, number one on his agenda is destroying the very people he presides over, less he forget he too is a state employee. I do believe he's forgotten that. There are so many reasons why what he is doing is wrong. But in my opinion joining an organization just to tear it apart is plain evil.

I don't like people, as such you'd never see me working in an area where I need to provide customer service or cater to people in any fashion. If you don't truly like the people you work with and for then why do it. In this case I believe that his outside pull is directing his agenda.

What the head of the state is essential doing is infiltrating an organization just to rip it apart. It's the equivalent of the grand wizard joining the black panthers just to kill off the members one by one.

I can't solely blame him, he always stated that he was planning the destruction of the state government. If a person tells you who they are one must believe them, we the voters of Ohio failed to believe.

I don't like talking to people, but I've called my state senators asking them to vote again senate bill 5. This bill can not pass.....I'm willing to do my part.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Day 23

I love when a plan comes together, and I think I finally have a plan that works. Insert evil laugh now muahahahaha. One more week, I just have to wait one week to put it into play and now that I've come up with it I'm excited to see it fall into place.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Changes

Well today was an interesting day. As the saying goes the only thing that is consistent is change, the only thing we can do is learn to adjust based on that change.

Question.....am I a published author? Well maybe not published as in I'm represented by a big publishing house (yet), but in the most generic form that I write words and those words are published, everyday right here in this blog. I believe that makes me a self publisher.

I realized right after I published my blog yesterday that the picture did not populate. Oh well, can't say I like my picture being published all that much anyway. Todays pic is me back to being curly looking happy...notice the strawberry headwrap. If I could turn back time at 18 I would have not gone to college but instead, I would have become a stripper. My stage name: Strawberry Fields. I love the color red so all my outfits would be red, or they would have big juicy berries on them. I would stay tan, thus having a reddish glow and my hair would be a strawberry blond. Okay....so I can't dance, how much dancing do I really need to do? I like the trick girls anyway so that would be my claim to fame. I would do some sort of trick that involved fire and water and viola I'm famous.

Picture it...red lights pouring down from the stage. The announcer comes on the mic "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls its the succulent and insatiable Strawberrrrrrryyyyy Fiiiiieeeelllldddsssss" and then the intro of LL Cool J's Goin Back to Cali comes on...... the curtain opens and there I am. Seductively grinding and pulsating my way to financial security.

Yep, I'd do everything different if I had the chance. But I don't, so my life is now me making the best of what I have, and well I have a lot.

Until next time..

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Valentine's

Today is Valentines, I'm not really into the whole Valentines day thing. Even when I'm with someone I just don't see the need to celebrate this day. Overall I'm not a person who wants or displays a lot of emotion. I've been accused many times of only showing one true emotion and that's anger...may be true who knows it could possible be true. I did get a surprise today, my crush sent me some pictures!!!! Live it, I so can't wait to see him. I'm not sure how the visit is going to work out, but I'm ready to see how everything is going to turn out. I'm Happy that my best friend is taking the trip with me, I'm ready....well todays picture shows a bit of red. My tribute to v-day....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Blah's

I have a serious case of the blahs today. I woke up officially today at 3 pm. Which means that I will more than likely be up all night long.

I found this app for my phone that creates many different features. Enjoy....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Vacations

I am in the process of planning two vacations, and so far I've done nothing. Ok well not nothing, I have booked one of the tickets. And for this trip it is surely based on a song and a prayer. For one day I'll be winging it. The person I'm going to see may or may not be there, may or may not want me and I nay or may not be staying with them.

I'm coming down with a serious case if the what ifs and I don't like it one bit. What if he's not there, what if he doesn't like me, what if! One thing in life is certain and that is it is uncertain. But traveling to a place, to meet someone mostly unknown is very crazy and risky. Yet I'm going and I'm nervous. In a way it is kind of exciting. One thing I wanted to learn is to be more of a risk taker, and doing this is out of my comfort zone.

On a bright note my friend is meeting up with me the next day. So for under 24 hours I'll be on my own, then my friend will be with me :-). I was explaining to het how the trip came about and how the person I was supposed to go with chicked out. I still planned on going, and she asked if I wanted her to go along. She sensed that I needed her and once again she rose up.

On another note I do sense that a new friend may not be happy with me. She is the reason I went th NY in the first place, and now she sees me going back with someone other than her as a also in the face. Am I wrong for not going back with her? I don't know. I only know that the only person I can live life for is me, and that is what I'm going to do.

I have an empire frame if mind....let the count down begin.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

I'm sleepy

Today's blog is bought to you by sleep....as in no blog today because I'm about to sleep....

Goodnight

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

Do blondes have more fun????

Yeah I like to think so lol, but then I'm a sometimey blond so I guess I sometimes have fun. What I have learned is that you make your own good time. I have been in places with people where we thought that oh this looks like fun, not. Only to have a truly awesome time. That is what I like about my group of friends, we know each other well enough to accept one another as we are and that eliminates the need to put up any false pretenses.

If we do something that may not show us in our best light it doesn't matter. We are there for one another pushing that person to be their best selves. Do we get on each others nerves? Absolutely but that is the measure of friendship, being able to express how you feel and having that person pull you in if need be.

I remember this time I was driving home from the east side of Columbus and I made a wrong turn and I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't really see and I was lost. How lost? Very. Out of nowhere JC calls me just to see how I am, and I just start crying because I'm frustrated and lost and the area was starting to get bad....(real life not for entertainment purposes, although I do see the humor). All I wanted was to go home, and what should have been a thirty minute trip was becoming the never ending journey.

JC being herself firsts asks me if I'm okay, and if I need her to come over here. Which I might add was a huge thing because she was not a driver, after over forty years on earth she had just recently got her drivers license. I explained that I was driving from the hair dresser, and that I had become lost, that I had no idea where I was and that I couldn't see. JC asked me to describe whatever I saw to her, that even though she didn't drive she knew her way around Columbus. She started joking around with me helping me relax and calm down.

I started naming off store I could make out, and then I named off a street name. She laughed and said girl you're in Southfield, go about 2 more miles then turn left and get on 71. My girl, my sister for life knew that what I needed at that time were a few jokes and mainly directions. It always struck me as funny that she called at the height of me needing assistance. Cars were honking, my eyes were blurry from the lack of vision and the tears but then she called and everything just became better.

Friendships, true friendships, like butter makes eveything better.

The picture of the day is my flat ironed hair which I just did before I started the blog. It looks blond in this pic, and lately I've been having a lot of fun.....coincidence who cares.....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

Good hair day....

What do you mean you can't see my hair? I guess that means you gotta take my word for it huh lol. Anyway let's get started....

Oh how would I describe today? Overall very good even though it started off rough. Last night I couldn't sleep so I stayed up watching Harlem Nights. Good movie lots of old school black hollywood stars. I also stayed up emailing my boo....yep starting around 9 after my hookup we started emailing one another. Okay yes I had a hook up, yours truly does have an fb. It started earlier this year and I thought it would be a one time thing, I even said as much but here it is still continuing. Which is what he alluded to, go figure. In fact things between us seem to be improving and getting better and better. Which for me is a bad thing because as the sex gets better the more attached I get. It's real easy to tell a lame to step off, but someone sexing you like you want and hell, good sex will have you staying when you should have left.

So far me staying, sticking around because of it is not even a possibility this is strictly a sexual relationship. I'm not one to kiss and write but there was a point where he was trying to kiss me and I was hesitant because I'm just getting over a cold. But he just took it. I said "You know I am still sick." And he said "I dont fucking care"....and it was great!! After always being in control it's great to have someone take control. I want this to just be what it is, friends with benefits minus the friends part but eventually things will change up.I'm a girl and sex winds up equaling catching feelings, ugh!!!

Back to the important part of the story. The man that I dream about who consumes my very being. He stared emailing me last night, I thought an earlier comment had turned him off but nope, later on we started corresponding with one another. I had to force myself to go to sleep because all I wanted was to see his name pop up on my screen. Those simple letter placed together makes me hot in places.....oh this man has me Sprung. Last words I read....his. First words I longed for this morning..... and the literary exchange continued up until mid afternoon today. Things between us are getting very good!!! The way he puts his words on my screen makes me want to write a never ending journal about rocks, yeah he's that good. At least in my mind he's that good. Distance and the unknown separate us from knowing the perception over the reality.

Any who...Yay is all I can say, as his words brightened my day. I'm so not the poet lol.

What about fb? What about him, he holds a place a well, just not the space. Sex is a primal need, love is further up.....and we aint even there.

Even though my day started off crappy, due to lack of sleep and yet again spilling coffee all over myself, it ended up being a good day. The effect that just seeing those 13 letters has on me is undeniable. Happiness.

To the pursuitof happiness

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

uggghhhh

Life is strange, what I want I can't have and I'm not sure there is something on the end that wants me like that, I'm not sure I want to be wanted right now, even by the one I thought I wanted to want me.

Did that make sense? With the Jamaican things just seem off. Communication is stalled and I'm worried about going to see him next month. I don't know what is going to happen but right now it just seems like the semi connection we did have is anything but now. Or maybe it never was there and I being the hopeless romantic I just made a chance encounter out to be more than what it was.....a chance to fuck in a different place. He may have only seen me as a conquest. I may have been that had sex taken place...it didn't so now I'm the girl who missed out, but I want that happily ever after. I'm going to get that happily ever after....don't stop get it get it. And even if you don't get it have fun along the way lol.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

14.....A Bronx Tale

I'm sitting here at home watching movies. Currently I'm watching A Bronx Tale. I've been wanting to see this movie for years now and today I finally watched it. Only to find out that the book I'm writing, well that book and this movie are very similar. Life is funny that way. There is nothing that someone is thinking about doing that someone else has not already done it thought about doing, its the person who gets there first that gets the glory. My novel is the new updated version of A Bronx Tale, but can it be a remake if you were unaware of the original in the first place, but then I had to somewhat be aware of the movie because I was being drawn to watch it, right. Subconsciously conscience??? I don't know.

What I do know is I have the ability to bring things to me by power of thought. Good things, bad things if I think about it enough in my subconscious mind it becomes my reality. I can draw things I want to me, a power I just realized lately but will try and harvest for my future. I will work on eliminating my subconscious bad thoughts and bring more blessings to my life.

Until tomorrow :-)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

Day 13

I'm still sick. And it sucks. I'm achy and my ears are stuffy. Samantha is drivng me crazy with her neediness and I just want to feel better.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

I'm sick

No blog today.....I look and feel like crap.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

Day 10

This picture really shows how I feel. Ugh!!! I'm so ready for a change, so ready to get my life together, and this photo shows a true represenative of how I feel. I woke up this morning with very straight hair and thoughts that I looked good going into work. My hair somehow poofed and well my look is just okay. I've been sitting here wanting ice cream but after seeing this picture the last thing I want is ice cream.

My new goal, starting today is to get myself in better shape. So not only will this blog be a self portrait of my various looks it will also document my weight loss. Lets hope the pictures tell the accurate truth....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

Day 9

Oh February, why must you do me so dirty? Today started off on a bad note and it didn't get any better. Here is what happened in a nut shell. I tried to bring my coffee into work today, but I've been having an issue with the coffee spilling. So I took an extra precaution of placing my mug in a plastic bag so that in the case anything happened I would be protected. As I'm sitting on the bus with my bookbag on my lap, I feel wetness. I check my bag and from the top it looked okay so I thought it just had to be left over water from the day before. Wrong the extreme wet lap in the freezing cold was a result of the coffee mug. And the plastic bag, well there was a hole in the bottom of the bag.....lovely ground hog day

See ya tomorrow

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

Day 8

Hello Cleveland.....and all the rest of the places that have people reside in that read my blog. My guess is the only other place so far would be Columbus. But then as the marketing major I am I am failing at the four p's. I'm not pushing my product. Well in the future I'll do much better.

I must say that I'm only on day eight of the blog and I already feel like it's bothersome. I look forward to and dread this blog at the same time. At least it is helping me keep up my writing. And if I want to be a writer, well I have to write.

I'm watching Serendipity in bed hence the picture of me in bed lol.....which they say is a fortunate accident. In the movie two people meet and hit it off, but its not the right time for them at that moment. Even though they a drawn to each other it is not something that will come to furition. (At times like this I miss spell check). So they spend a wonderful day together and then part, if it was really meant to be they will see each other again.

Stuff like this only happens in movies right, right? Nope. It does happen in real life, and when it does it makes that chance encounter even more memorable. I once met a guy on a cruise. At that time I was involved with someone else so meeting anyone else was not part of my plan. But then I became friends with a person who lives minutes away from the cruise guy. But I didn't know that at the time. She asks me to go home with her and guess what, a second encounter takes place. The chemistry between us is magical at worst and everything that sparkels and glitters at best. Everything just felt right, as if this was the person I was meant to be with.

Right now this is still a work in progress, I dont know if things will work out between us. But our serendipitious meeting will always be special.

Goodbye Cleveland!!!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

Day 7

Oh today was not a good day.....it wasn't necessairly a bad day either. I finally made my doctors appointment. Called today and I get in the first thing tomorrow. This something I was not looking forward to have to do, but it is something that needed to be done.

This is an old picture of me. It was taken during my senior year of high school. I know, I know I am supposed to take a current picture everyday but I believe that sticking to the blog everyday is more important than posting a current picture. Plus I'm not a picture person so today is all about compromise. I do have a lot on my mind I just dont want to talk about it.

So with that, I'm off.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6