Wednesday, January 13, 2010


When horrific events happen, it makes you re-evaluate your current life's position and take stock of the condition of the life you are living. If your world was to suddenly end as you know it, would you have lived the life you wanted to live, or did you simply live the life you allowed yourself to live. Most people are scared to take the risks needed to be what they want to be. No one says as a child in school that their dream are to work for the state of Ohio processing travel reports, yet there have been many people who have landed in that position.

Fear stops us from reaching our full potential. Fear of the unknown, fear of being judged and fear of truly becoming great and that once we reach that goal there will be nothing left to go after. So we hold ourselves back from really achieving the goals we want and therefore we are living a life that is substandard and unfulfilled by our on doing.

If something were to happen to this tiny spot I live in, I would think back to all the things I wanted to do, but was to afraid to do, with the realization that I'll never get to achieve what I really wanted to do with my life. Worrying about all the tiny things that in the end don't matter at all take up to much of our lives. We need to strive for things that make us happy, and in doing so we will create a better life for ourselves.

In a previous blog I was worried about something I had no control over. Well I did have control over most of the situation, but my actions led to the result of my becoming powerless. That thought had controlled my mind for a solid three days, and in that time none of my energy was devoted towards going after what would make me happy. Three days of wasting my time on negative energy, and three days of not living the life I wanted to live. There were things that I was in the process of going after but halted because I could not get to the place mentally where I needed to be.

I want to live a life that I can be proud of. I want to do more than simply exist. I know that worrying about things I have no control over are futile. Out of this tragedy I have learned that my actions are important and concentrating on the negative will only increase the negativity and will further derail me from the life I want to lead. I don't want to be the person saying "I hate cold weather," yet continue to live in Ohio. I want to be the person who packs up her stuff and moves to a warmer place. The tragedy in Haiti has me more focused on doing things that will improve my life, and thus it will make a way for me to improve the lives of others.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


Why are relationships so hard? I know good question right, and if I knew the answer the last thing I would do is keep it a secret. I would spread the news to everyone and thus create a better society. Seeing as how I do not know the magical elixir I am let to wonder why meeting a man/woman and then keeping said man/woman is so hard. In a perfect scenario you would meet someone, and either you like them or you don't. And on the opposite side they would then meet you and either like you or not. The two likes would get together and the did nots' would go off in search of their likes.

Seeing as how the person you liked, would like you back you would then be free to go off and live the happily ever after with the white picket fence, two point three kids, and all that good stuff. What normally happens is just the opposite, the person you like isn't really feeling you and then there is a person who really likes you to which you have no feelings for. In this situation what is one to do? Do you keep going after the person that you like but doesn't want you in return, and hope that one day they will come around and see just how wonderful you are? Or do you go with the person who really likes you and hope that eventually you will one day feel the same way about them?

Recently I decided that relationships were too much effort and therefore I was just going to play the field (so to speak) and not get so caught up on having that one special person. I didn't want to deal with anything a relationship was full of, I didn't want to care about another person's thoughts or feelings or talk to them when I really wanted to watch all the stuff taped on my DVR, I just wanted a lot of selfish me time.

This lasted for six months, when all of the sudden "poof" I started to find, lets call him Bryon, interesting. I had seen him around the building and he wasn't someone I would normally go after. We had a mutual friend so I would just give him messages to give to her. It started off very innocently, just random Hi's here and there or I would say cute little things to him, never really putting much thought into him. Then one day, I happened to run across him and he had a different look about him, one that made me re-think the way I saw him.

After that eye opening experience I seen him as I was coming back in from outside and he stopped me and we had a pretty decent conversation. He stated that he really didn't talk much to people he worked with and thus I had a mission. At that moment he could have said that my hair was on fire, because I was off on my own course of action. He may not talk to other people, but I was going to make sure that Bryon talked to me, and from there I barged into his life without taking anything else but what I wanted into account.

Never once did I think about what I was doing to him, the only thing I was thinking is the person who claimed to not talk sure is doing a bunch with me. A few weeks into the daily conversation I decided to push for more, that talking during work wasn't good enough anymore, that I needed for him to call me outside of work and thus another goal was set. It took me two tries and then he called, which was the desired outcome. Notice I only said I wanted him to call, not that I wanted to talk to him. I intentionally left my phone in the car. Here is my theory, when you want your phone to ring, sitting there in front of it does not make the phone ring. But if you leave the phone somewhere or have it turned off, voila the phone will ring.

All this time, I was only thinking about what I wanted to get him to do, I never really noticed that his name is creeping into my conversations with other people, or that I started wanting to come to work so that I could talk to him. It started off as a simple I bet I can make you do something and wound up with me catching feelings. The more I started talking to him the more I let my guard down. Then I started realizing that we had a lot in common, and even though at first I didn't see him as someone who would be my type, he suddenly looked very good to me.

Needless to say I was conflicted. I went in after and accomplished one thing, but in doing so found myself liking Bryon. Being conflicted does not set well with me, either it's yes or no, black or white and you get the picture. Here I am not wanting to be in a relationship, and then I find myself acting in a relationship manner. I wasn't being fair to Byron or myself and in the end I wound up hurting us both.

He said he wasn't into girls who played games....I started playing games. He said he wasn't into the drama, oh I brought the drama. I asked him to call, and then when he did, I didn't answer the phone, and then I never really gave a proper apology for my crazy actions. Who knew that "my bad" was not a catch all apology? If I didn't know it before I know it now that's for sure, and the funny thing is, it wasn't until my crazy actions successfully pushed him away, which is what I thought I wanted, did I realize that I really did like him and want to be a better person for him. Hell I wanted to be a better person for myself as well, but in the end I'm left liking a person who I'm not sure likes me back. And that feels sucky!!!

Now I'm not sure what to do. And the questions I have are not ones that I really want to answer. Do I really want a relationship and if so, how do I correct my previous actions? Do I just want to get him back, just to say I got him back? I don't know, but what I do know is that playing with someones emotions is not good and it backfires.

My game playing landed the ball I was playing with, squarely into his court. If he wants to give the crazy girl a chance...he will. If he knows what he wants and crazy ain't it, then I'm out. And the only option I have is to leave it alone. I could go all Tameka on him, I mean she did get Usher right? Okay your right, she also lost Usher but not before she had two kids and new flat stomach. All right I see your point, that part can be worked out...